File Davenport
by stilljustme
Summary: Just something I had to scribble down... Sydney didn't only leave Jamie, she left the whole family.
1. Chapter 1

"Okay. Girl talk." Linda closed the door and turned around. For a few minutes she just leant against the wood, watching her sister in law filling the dishwasher, cleaning the expensive wine-glasses by hand. A smile curled the blonde's lips. Erin knew how to wear her poker face at work, but she couldn't get it up when she was at home. And Linda was a cop wife for more than fifteen years now, and mother of two boys. She could wait.

As Erin held up the last glass to check it for stains, she shot a quick glance back. Linda smiled at her, patiently but with an edge of triumph. With a sigh the state attorney put down the glass. "Can't we just go back?", she asked. Linda's smile grew wider for a moment, then she got earnest. "No."

Erin nodded, her mixed feelings now clearly written on her face. "Okay, it's just… it's just that there is nothing, Linda. Really. It's just work and… nothing to worry about." She managed a smile, struggling to find the right words. "In any case, if…" "Erin Reagan-Boyle, if there is one thing you can't do and will never be able to do…", Linda interrupted gently, making her way to Erin and taking her hands, "it is lying. You hate it, you don't tolerate it, you don't do it. That's why people trust you." Erin shook her head in confusion. "I didn't try to lie to anybody!" "You just did. You wanted to lie to me." Linda smiled. "And it's okay for now, because I can tell you're lying from the very first syllable." She let go of Erin's hands and fetched them two glasses of scotch. Erin laughed. "If there's one thing you can't do, it is drinking me under the table." She took the glass nevertheless.

"There is something"; she admitted eventually. "But I don't think it would be a good idea to tell you. It's got nothing to do with you, Linda", she quickly added, "it's just… I don't know. Usually I talk such things out with Dad, but…" "Exactly", Linda said, "that's what got me worried. You were not only avoiding Jamie's eyes at dinner, you were also avoiding your Dad's. And you were quiet. There were at least two things Danny said you normally argue with. And you said nothing." She sipped at the drink, her eyes never leaving Erin's face as she gulped it down reluctantly. Erin smiled, both amused and admiring. "You got a good eye and ear for people, you know that, Linda?" Linda just shook her head. "Don't change topic again, Erin. What's wrong? There's something eating you up and you need to talk about it!" Linda looked at her very closely, the hint of a doubt glistering in her eyes. "You know you can trust me with anything, don't you?" "Yeah! Yes, of course I do, Linda!" Quickly, Erin hugged her sister in law, something she didn't do very often. Both women knew they had to be strong for the men around them. "I trust you"; Erin whispered as she let go of Linda. "As I said it's… got nothing to do with you or Danny or… actually, I guess it doesn't even have anything to do with me, it's just…" She sighed, then shot a quick glance to the door.

"It's just…I got a call today. At three o'clock in the morning." Linda frowned in surprise, and Erin suddenly found herself enjoying the moment of suspense. "By Sydney."

Linda's eyes grew wide. "That Sydney?", she whispered, suddenly understanding. Erin nodded. "Graduated at Harvard but no thought on time shift. For her it was eight in the morning." Disdain dropped from Erin's words, though Linda could see pity in her eyes. "How long did you talk?" "I don't know, I was…half asleep half the time, and angry for the other half." Erin took another draft of cognac. Both women shook their heads at the same time. "Stupid…girl!" Linda put her arm around Erin's shoulders. "No need to hold back", she said calmly, "I've been young too and I promise I won't tell Nicky. Or your Dad, for that part." Erin laughed. "It's just…"

She closed her eyes. "I liked Sydney", she declared. "I really liked her, I liked the way she and Jamie appeared together, I liked how she was there for him at Joe's funeral, I liked how she was not afraid to speak against Danny." She opened her eyes, but looked up to the ceiling as if still ashamed. "I liked it to not be the only lawyer in the family anymore. And I loved, I really loved it to see how happy Jamie was with her. How proud he was when he told us she'd said yes, you remember?" "Yeah, I do." Linda sighed. "And you hate her for what she's done to him, right?" Erin grumbled something incomprehensible. "Hey, it's okay, I hate her for it, too. I mean it's not like…" "I don't hate her!" Erin cried out, "I try to, because it's my duty as a sister to hate her. And yes, I hate her voice and I hate what she's done to my little brother, but I can't hate her at all, I mean, I can't… it's not that I wouldn't understand her." She looked at Linda, new admiring shining through her eyes. "She never was as strong as you, Linda. I think not many people are. Waiting for your husband every day, never knowing if he comes home… even I can't imagine how hard it is to be a cop's wife. You're so brave."

Yeah, and you need more alcohol!" Feeling her face reddening with abashment, Linda quickly shoved her half full glass into Erin's hands. It took her a second to get her smile under control, but her voice was modest as she said, "I'm not half as brave as you think I am, Erin. And you are a lot braver than I am. I was a nurse once; I know how many ways there are to die. It can happen so quickly, we never know if we'll see our loved ones again. But still, whenever there is a message of an officer down…" Now it was Linda who closed her eyes. "We talked about that once, Sydney and I"; she said, "right in Jamie's first months on the streets, when this female officer got killed, I don't remember her name, but… I remember Sydney asking me how to live with the day to day. I didn't really know what to say. I thought she'd get it somehow." "But she never did. She could never warm up to the thought of Jamie being a police officer." Erin swallowed down the last cognac. "I pity both of them, I guess. Both of them had plans they wanted to follow, and none of them was ready to make some compromises."

Again, silence hung in the room, heavier than it had been before. Linda knew it had been the right decision to make Erin speak, but that didn't mean it was easy. And it didn't mean there was a solution to be found.

"So…what do remember from the call?" Erin shrugged. "She wanted to know how Jamie is. I told her something like it wasn't her business anymore. I was furious when she woke me up, and pretended everything was okay. Because it is not okay. I'm an attorney, she's a third-class lawyer's assistant, and…" "Sorry?" Linda grabbed her sister in law by the shoulders and turned her around. "I thought you didn't hate her?" "I don't! I just… oh God!" Erin took a step forward, letting Linda hold her. Second hug in a day, second hug in the past fifteen months, but it felt good. "I always thought being a Reagan would be worth every fear or inconvenience", she confessed. "That's arrogant, isn't it?" Linda laughed softly. "It sounds arrogant", she said, "but knowing our family – no, it's not. We're good. We're a good family. And one day there'll be somebody who earns it to be the Reagan at Jamie's side." She rubbed Erin's back encouragingly, then let go of her again. Erin sighed, nodded, shook her head and nodded again. "Hopefully. It's just…" Then she laughed. "You know if we just made a drinking game out of every time I say "I just" today, everybody'd be drunk in half an hour." Linda clicked her tongue. "We're not done with this, Erin. Not at least. You may be tired from getting called at three o'clock, but I can stay all night long. And I will. We need to talk this through. Before Sydney comes back and tries to claim Jamie back."

"Sydney and Jamie?" Danny peeked in, chuckling as he saw the empty glasses. "I seem to interrupt a very earnest conversation!" "Earnest enough for you not to just pop in", Erin said disapprovingly, but Linda smiled as she went over to her husband and kissed him. Danny held her close, but directed his words to both of them. "Syd and Jamie's history, ladies. They're never getting back together, okay? And it's better for both of them." "Oh really, Danny?" Erin had regained her irony. "And you know that because you're such an expert in understanding women?" Well, I…" "She called me this night! She asked me something about the job, and then she started with Jamie! And she's coming back in two months! So sorry if I'm afraid she might break Jamie's heart again!" Danny met his sister's glance very calm. "Sure you're fearing for Jamie's heart?", he asked, but quickly shook his head as Erin's face turned from confused to angry again, "I'm just saying: Sydney knew when she left that she would be away for six months, okay? Both of them knew that they would be departed for six months. No more, no less. And still none of them even suggested a long-distance relationship – well, not as far as we know. That means something, Erin. It means they both knew it was over. No turning back, not even trying."

Linda and Erin looked at each other, both stunned this time. Danny had to laugh at the women's faces. "What? Hey, I'm a detective, it's my job to ask the right questions!"

Erin raised her eyebrows. "Sure."

Danny chuckled. "Yeah, sis. And Jamie's not the one I worry about right now." He let go of his wife and went over to his sister. His grin was wide and wicked. "We all agreed that the next one to find love again ld be you!"


	2. Chapter 2

Henry watched his grandson closely as first his head, then his whole body disappeared into the kitchen. "You know who called this morning?", he asked, his gaze still at the kitchen's door.

Frank sighed. "No, I don't, pop, I was at work this morning." "I know", finally Henry looked at his son, disapproval wrinkling his lips as he said, "you work too hard, Francis. You should allow yourself at least one day without getting up at six. But that's not what I'm talking about right now." He paused.

With another sigh, Frank put down the paper. "Who did call you, pop?"

"Well, I didn't believe it myself at first." Now that he had his son's attention, Henry was in no hurry anymore. "It was around nine in the morning, I thought it was you. When I recognized a female voice, I thought it was Erin at first. But I know Erin's voice on a phone, and this one was far shriller. I didn't like it…and then I remembered it." He shot a quick glance to the door again, then looked directly at his son. "It was Sydney, Francis."

"Sydney Davenport?" Frank tried to keep his voice even. Henry smirked. "How many Sydneys do we know?"

"Right." Frank nodded. "What did she want?" "I don't know, I hung up once I knew who was talking." Henry frowned. "That probably wasn't such a good idea."

"Probably." Frank looked at his father in the same disapproving way Henry had looked at him. "Why did you do that? I thought you like her." Henry snuffled.

"You gave her a nickname." "Oh, don't remind me of that!" The old man held up his hands as if in surrender. "I did it to support her", he declared, "I thought if she was strong enough to fight back Danny, she would be strong enough to live with a police officer. But now I think it was only a sign of…" He waved aside. Frank nodded in understanding. "I hoped she would grow with the challenge of being a cop's wife. But not everybody can be a Linda Reagan."

"What about Linda?" Danny came out of the kitchen, quickly shutting the door behind him. "You shouldn't go inside right now, plates are flying low." He sat down opposite to his father. "What about Linda?" Frank smiled at the protective tone in his son's voice. "We just talked about how strong she is. It's not easy to live a life in waiting." Danny nodded. "I know. I just hope I…"

"You are making her happy, Daniel", Henry interrupted gruffly. His eyes, however, were gleaming with pride. Danny smiled. "I try to, at least." Then he frowned. "You overheard us?" "Not this time. What were talking about?"

"Not this time?" Danny looked at his elders in irritation. "Hoy many times are you overhearing us in the kitchen?"

Henry chuckled, leaving it to Frank to speak: "We were talking about Sydney. She…"

"Okay, so you were overhearing us!" Danny stood up.

"No, we didn't!" Henry shouted back, angry now. "Now sit down and don't dare accusing your father again. Or me, for that matter." Before Danny could excuse himself, the kitchen door opened again, Erin and Linda rushing out. "Everything okay here?"

"Yes, darling, we're fine." Frank still sat on the couch, smiling at the confusion around him.

Family.

Erin looked at her father, then at her brother. Danny raised his eyebrows, and Erin's eyes shot straight back at Frank again. "You know about Sydney?" "Erin!" Danny hissed. Henry looked at his granddaughter. "You know about Sydney?"

Linda started to laugh. After a short moment and a very irritated look around the family, Danny laughed with her. That act of matrimonial loyalty made Frank laugh and Erin fell in, though Frank could see the flickering in her face. She wouldn't admit it, but she missed being married. She missed being loved and desired and supported by a man she had chosen, and who had chosen her. Henry was the last to laugh, but his voice was the loudest.

"Okay", Erin said eventually, getting earnest again. "I do appreciate this situation – somehow –" the last word made Danny chuckle, "but why are we just laughing?" "Do we really need a reason?", Henry asked back. Danny put his arm around his sister. "For state attorney Reagan-Boyle, there always has to be a reason, Grandpa. Ouch!" He jerked back as Erin pinched his arm. Linda wiped the tears of laughter out of her eyes. "Honestly, boys. What's so funny about Sydney?"

The men grew silent. "Nothing", Danny said eventually. "Just that Erin wasn't the only one she called today. She tried Grandpa too, but he hung her up once he knew who she was. She's an ambitious girl who lives her life, so let her live it." "We were never intruding in her life!", Erin protested. "She called me! I wouldn't have started the topic ever again. Because your detectively right questions well and good, Danny, but Jamie loved her! He loved Sydney, and you can't just stop love somebody because you want to. It doesn't work that way, trust me." She bit her lip as if she had said too much, then closed her eyes to regain her composure. Linda touched her arm in sympathy, but Erin shook the hand away. "All I want to say", she said very calmy, "is that Sydney obviously tries to find a way back into this family. Or at least into our thoughts, and some people can't separate their thoughts from their feelings. Brain and heart work together, and then heart takes over brain."

"That's Jamie"; Frank agreed. "Did you talk to her, Erin?" She shook her head. "Not really. I helped her with a problem she had at work, but I tried to say nothing about Jamie or our family, nothing more than the general we're-alive-stuff. I told her she…" She suddenly closed her eyes. "God, no!" "What? You remember something?" Danny went all detective again, and Henry smiled at his son. You didn't stop being a cop on Sundays.

"I told Sydney that if she really wanted to know how Jamie is, she should call him herself." Erin buried her face in her hands. "Don't say it, Danny!"

Frank patted his daughter's back. "I guess if she really wants to call Jamie, she will do in any case. I'd be surprised if a clever girl like Sydney wouldn't figure out that for herself." "In any case I hope she figures out something else", Henry growled. "To keep away from our family!"

"Pop, could you…" The discussion was ended abruptly as Nicky stormed into the house, laughing. "Yes, we did!", she yelled to the door. The adults looked at each other, thankful for the warning. Jamie had taken the kids out over an hour before, to enjoy the snow as long as it was lingering. "Was it fun?", Erin asked her daughter. "Oh yeah! We made a snowball fight, Jack and me against Sean and uncle Jamie, and we won!" Smiling triumphantly, she unlaced her boots. "No, you didn't!", Sean cried as he followed her, his cheeks still red. Jack and Jamie appeared shortly after them, laughing too, snowflakes clustering on their hair and clothes. "I'm afraid she did, Sean", Jamie said, seeming out of breath, "but looking out there I think the snow will still be there next week, so you can get your revenge." "Next week?" Jack looked disappointed. Jamie helped him doffing the parka. "That is, if you want to have me in. But maybe you could convince your dad to go out with the three of you. When we were kids, he always was the first in for a round." He smiled at Danny who couldn't help but smile too. "Yeah, I remember. You still don't know how to form the balls then, don't you, kid?" "Well, I do", Erin said smugly, "so if you're in for revenge with your boys, Nicky and I will be there." "You're sure? We do it!"

Jamie's eyes found his father's. "Did I miss something?", he murmured, looking at the crowd of the family all gathered around their children. Frank smiled at the observation skills his youngest son had developed in the past months. Renzulli seemed to be a good teacher.

"Everything and nothing, Jamie"; he said eventually, "nothing that wouldn't…" He stopped shortly.

"Dad?" Jamie was alarmed, and Frank couldn't blame him. For a long time, news had only been bad for them. He smiled reassuringly and laid a hand on the Rookie's shoulder. "Nothing that won't sort itself out in the next three days, I guess, and it's not dangerous. You'll see."

_Yeah…the next chapter will be the last… now guess who Sydney will call next. ;) Thank you very much for all who read and review, hope you still like it!_


	3. Chapter 3

_This chapter turned out to be slightly different than what I had expected it to be... blame it all on the snow (can't stand it anymore!). However, I hope you still like it. _

The snow was still lingering. Not only for the next week, but also for the following two. After day seventeen of cold and ice, even Jack and Sean declared their wish for winter to end – probably also because of the four times Erin and Nicky had beaten them and Danny in snowball fights.

Nobody had lost a word about Sydney – though Erin had secretly planned to do so. She knew her baby brother and his big heart. He would forgive his former fiancée, and even if they wouldn't get together again, he would ask himself if he had made the right decision. If it had been his fault that Sydney had left. And Erin wouldn't have that.

Jamie's mind, however, was already clouded and got darker with every day of the ice. Sometimes the biggest danger didn't come from terror, not even from corrupt cops. Sometimes it came from nature.

"Okay, that was No. 4 for this morning. Let's…" Renzulli stopped midsentence as his breakfast tried to make its way back into his throat. He had seen a lot in his twenty-six years of duty, and ice-frozen corpses normally were easy to handle. They had no bowels hanging out, they didn't stink, they just looked at you with extinct eyes, covered by a thin layer of ice. _Skin as white as ice, lips grey, fingertips violet. Frozen to death while they were alive, feeling their body to die off…_

He wiped the cold sweat off his forehead. "You know, Harvard, there's always some twenty-odd ice deads in winter. And most of them die here in Central Park." He took a deep breath and held it till the taste of bile had gone away. "But this year, it's just…""There are too many", Jamie said quietly.

Renzulli stared at him, but didn't argue in the point of who had to have the last word – which was saying a lot. "Yes. Far too many."

Jamie nodded as he bent down and examine the girl on the ground. She couldn't have been older than twelve. How did you get to be so alone in the world?

"Should we carry her to the others?" He had learnt to keep his voice even in the past few years. Renzulli raised his eyebrows in gruff admiration. "You seem to cope well."

"I don't." Gently, Jamie touched the girl's face. "I just think she's been lying here long enough." The sergeant managed a dry laughter. "No need to get extra sentimental now, Reagan. If you can, keep professional. You keep professional, you stay alive. And yes, let's carry her to the others. The coroners must be here by now."

Iced bodies were much heavier than they looked like, depending on the amount of frozen water that covered it. The girl, however, was so small that Jamie could carry her alone. He held her close, memories washing over him. He remembered carrying Nicky like that to Erin's car after dinner. She had fallen asleep and had not woken up as he took her into his arms. It had never occurred to Jamie then that one day she would fall asleep and never wake up again. Like Joe had. And his mother. The rookie cop felt his eyes fill with tears at the thought of the graves that were covered with loads of snow as well. And now, there would be another one…

His phone rang, vibrating through the jacket at the girl's skin. Renzulli turned around as he heard the noise. For a moment, both officers stared aghast at the corpse as the vibrating caused her body to shiver. She seemed almost alive again, only to lose her battle against death.

"Get the call, Harvard", Renzulli eventually said, his voice hoarsely. Jamie couldn't turn away from the girl's eyes. "Damn it, Jamie, get the call!"

The ringing stopped. "It's over", Jamie stated lamely. "Now, really?" Renzulli's voice dripped with sarcasm. He couldn't avoid a relieved sigh, though, and as he looked at his young partner, there was more sympathy than usual. "Call back, I'll take her", he offered, but Jamie shook his head. "I got her, Searge." "Sure?" Jamie nodded.

Nicky would never end like that. First of all, Erin was alive and well and she would do anything for her daughter. Second - and as much as he hated the thought, Jamie had seen enough to know he must be prepared for it – even if anything happened to Erin, Nicky would never be alone. She would always have him and Danny and Linda and her grandpa and her great-grandpa. She had a family.

It was only at lunchtime (where neither Renzulli nor Jamie really had appetite) that Jamie realized he hadn't thought about Jack in his calculation. Nicky's dad was all but erased out of the family. As was Joe's girlfriend – well, she had moved back to Portland to her family.

And Sydney.

"Hey, Harvard! Still thinking about the girl?" Jamie winced. How could Renzulli know? "Not really", he answered eventually, "I think I'm over her." Renzulli nodded. "Good. Because you'll have to get over another ten, minimum, till winter's gone. If it ever ends", he grumbled to grey sky. Jamie shook his head. "I don't think so."

"Wha- you don't think so? Reagan, have you ever watched TV this week? We're stuck with snow, get used to it."

"I wasn't talking about the snow"; Jamie murmured, "I'm talking about the girls. I don't think I get over ten. I don't even think I'll get over one. I mean, I wanted to start a family with her. I was ready to spend my whole life with her, and she just dumped me! And I can't even blame her, actually, since I've done nothing to hold her back. Now she's gone and nobody knows if she ever comes back. And even if she does", his voice had become sadder with each word, "I don't know if she even tells me."

Renzulli, whose face had momentary been a mask of confusion, nodded slowly. "You're talking 'bout your ex-fiancée…" "Sydney. She said she had a job in London for six months, and now there are only four and a half weeks left… I'm just curious what she's up to now."

"Curious?" Renzulli smirked. "There are other words for that, Harvard." He shook his head. "Curious, you young people say. Now I'm getting old." He looked at Jamie expectantly, but the rookie didn't say a word so the sergeant just continued, "in my old days, we called this feeling "being in love", or when the talk came upon marriage, we simply called it "love". So you may not have fought for her when she left you, and you may be happy as you are, but you're not over her."

"I don't love her anymore!", Jamie protested, but it was obvious that Renzulli didn't believe him, so he added, "not the way I loved her then. I thought we were strong enough together, but… weren't."

"Now you got it." Renzulli stood up before Jamie so he had to look into his sergeant's eyes. "You were not strong enough. Both of you. And what does that mean? That means you have a problem, Reagan. A big problem. And you got not much time to find out how you're gonna deal with it. Oh…", he checked his watch, "and we got not much time left of our break. You better call back whoever rang in the morning", he said, taking their half-full plates back to the counter.

Jamie closed his eyes. The dead girl, his family, Joe's grave, the betrothal ring and Sydney as she gave it to him whirled around in his brain. He shouldn't talk about this with his boss. He shouldn't talk about this with anybody, he shouldn't even think about it! It was over.

With a sigh, Jamie stood up to follow Renzulli. He pulled out his cell phone as he walked.

One missing call:

_08:14 a.m. Sydney_

_Yeah…so as the phone call didn't happen to get answered here, there'll be at least one more chapter. Actually, I think there'll be two more, but I don't know right now._


	4. Chapter 4

He hadn't called back. Why was she surprised? She had dumped him. She couldn't expect him to forgive her that easy. And she was happy here – so why was she crying?

"Ms. Davenport? The protocol copies for the Derrington-case have just arrived, get them over to the jury, right?" The blond lawyer didn't even look at her as he gave the order. Sydney quickly wiped her eyes and cheeks tear-free. "Sure, Mr. Brown."

At the muffled sound of her voice, Matt turned around. "Everything alright?"

"Sure, Mr. Brown." Sydney stood up, grabbed the files and walked towards the elevator, trying to ignore the beating of her heart that told her to move faster. She would not let her past ruin her future!

Then again, she couldn't help thinking, what future was she heading to?

Sydney bit her lips as fresh tears welled up. Jamie. Five months, and it still hurt. It hurt so much he hadn't fought for her.

"Ms. Davenport? You know you need to press the button so the elevator knows where you want to go." Matt had followed her, a mocking smile on his face. He wore that smile every day, and still Sydney didn't know when it was fake and when it was real. She had a guess, though, about this time. "Thanks for the advice, Mr. Brown."

"Pleasure." They fell silent for a minute, then the young lawyer asked, "how comes we never changed to our first names in all this time? I'm Matt. And I get it from the plate on your desk that your name is Sydney. May I call you by that name?"

Sydney opened her mouth to speak, but only a sob came out, so she shook her head. Matt sighed. "That's a pity, you know. Not only because it will keep our working climate on a rather cool level but also because no man is worth so much pain. If he hurts you like that, he hasn't deserved you. Just saying", he shot her a last smile that seemed almost earnestly encouraging, then grabbed back the papers Sydney had just taken and left the elevator. "Go up and take a break, Ms. Davenport. I'll see you in the afternoon."

"Sure, Mr. …Matt." The doors closed, and Sydney took a deep breath. Matt had been flirting with her since she had started working. And she had always pushed him away because of – of what, really? She had left Jamie. She had put the ring a lawyer gave her back into a rookie's hand. She had had her reasons. Jamie. The name still sounded so familiar, so real. Sometimes when she woke up at night in the small apartment she shared with another former law student it seemed to her as if everything was a dream, and that she would soon be woken up for real by her fiancé.

But that option was gone now. As she slowly walked back to her desk at the back, Sydney felt more alone than she had even been.

Had this been her dream? Was this meant to be her home? A working place so small and crammed she could barely turn around? A boss who molested her? A small bed and a never-filled fridge in an apartment only half as big as the one she had lived in with Jamie? And missing him, missing him every single day?

"I couldn't", she whispered to herself, "I would have died there."

"Then it's good you've left!" Hannah Wood stood before her, smiling. The black, stout private investigator had been the first one to greet her. Sydney smiled. "Nothing. I mean, yeah…it's good. It's good." She closed her eyes as she tried to convince herself. Hannah sat down before her. "It's not Matt again, or is he? I swear one day I'm gonna kill that babyface!"

"No, it's not him!" Sydney opened her eyes just in time to stop her friend from rushing away. "He seemed to be… he was really nice today, actually."

"Nice? Matt Brown? Girl, you got it bad." Grudgingly, Hannah sat down again. "But okay, for the looks of him, you're forgiven if you fall for him. Once! Second time I'll close you up somewhere till you get your senses back together."

Sydney shrugged. "Just do it, then. I don't know where my senses have been lately. Or my brains. Or my heart. I guess I…"

"You guess what?"

"I guess I was so afraid of… of fearing for his life every day that I… I was scared of being scared, Hannah. And I was disappointed. It was his mother's last wish that he should not join the family business, and he seemed happy about it and then…" She shook her head. "Why don't we ever matter? Just because we're women? His mother wanted him to be a lawyer, his sister wanted him to be a lawyer. I wanted him to be a lawyer! And then his big brother dies and suddenly everything else gets irrelevant! I couldn't, Hannah! I couldn't go on like that. He wasn't the man I fell in love with any more."

"I see"; Hannah slowly nodded, "I got no idea whom you're talking about, sweetheart, but I see. Mafia does change everyone."  
"Mafia?" "You said family business!"

At this, Sydney had to laugh. "Not exactly. But there is a lot of weapons involved, and a lot of broken rules and death and fear. And danger." She took out her cell phone. Still no calling back. Maybe she had waited too ling. Maybe Erin had warned her little brother that his bitchy ex-fiancée would call him. Then again, would Erin really do that?

"You miss him"; Hannah said, not a question. Sydney nodded, then shook her head. "I don't know. I don't know if I miss him or his family or just my old life. I wanna go home, Hannah. And London's not my home. It's New York."

"Okay." Hannah straightened up. "Then you better go and tell Matt, for he wants you to stay as his personal assistant… or so I heard him say to Mr. Fenton." She hugged Sydney as she stood up. "Go home and find out what you've been really missing. Nobody says you can't have his family only because you can't have him."

Sydney smiled at that. How could Hannah know! The Reagans were like fingers – you take one of them, you gotta take the whole hand. And it was a heavy hand to shake.

Her phone rang. Break was over. With a sigh and without thinking, Sydney took the call. "The Attorney's Office, London Richmond, what can I do for you?"

"Hey, Syd, it's me. Jamie."

"Hey…. How's it going? Glad you called back."

"Yeah, I thought I… I'm good, thanks. How are you?"

"I'm fine, too."

"Good."

"Yeah."

"So London is a good job?"  
"Yes, it's loads of loads of work and a very tiny desk but it's okay."  
"Good. I hoped it'd be worth it."

"What do…"  
"Sorry, I didn't mean that, I just… you know with all the stuff moving to Europe, making a living here. I'm glad you like it."

"Oh. Yes, I do. Actually my boss wants me to be his personal assistant, I heard."  
"That's great news."

"Isn't it? Yes… so… Jamie…"

"Syd, it's okay. It's your right to change your opinion. It's your life and you should only make decisions that get you happy. Everything else would be a lie to the world and to yourself."

"Thanks."

"I've learned that out there. I've learned that there are no second chances in life, not for the really important things. And there's not nearly enough time. You gotta believe in what you do, cause life's damn short. And sometimes it's better to try and regret something than to never have found out if you like it."

"You mean…"

"I mean I think I understand you, Sydney. I think you were right to go. It was my fault, I was… not ready to give up any of my dreams. I had this one imagination about honoring Joe."

"Jamie…"  
"And I wanted to make Dad proud of me. And Danny, but I still don't know if I will ever gte to that."  
"He is proud of you, Jamie. I…"  
"I understand you couldn't do it, Syd. I wish it had turned out differently."  
"It still could, Jamie! It still…"

"I don't think so. We are who we are."  
"But you said you' understand me. You said it was you. But Jamie, it was both of us. And we can…"

"We can't, Sydney. You know that. We would never get over what's happened. I live my dream now. I am right where I belong, and you can't follow me, and that's not your fault. I really hope you get the job, and I hope you'll be happy. And I'm sorry for wasting your time, if you see it that way. I really believed we could do this, but… we couldn't. We can't, Sydney. I'm thankful I met you. But I… actually, I'm also thankful you gave me back the ring. I wish you all the best in the world. But I can't change who I am, and you can't change who you are, so…"  
"Jamie!"

"I'm sorry, Sydney, I gotta get back to work. Get happy, okay? You really deserve it. And I'll always be glad to have had you in my life."

"Oh… okay. Yeah, yeah, me too. I'm very very glad you were in my life, Jamison. Go find someone who loves you the right way."

"Syd, I didn't mean to…"  
"I gotta get back, to. Tell… say your greetings to your family, okay? Tell them I'm sorry, and… that I'm good, if they're interested. And that I… won't call them again."

"Call them? What do you mean?"

"Be happy, Jamie, just like I will try to be, okay? Bye."

"Okay, bye. Thanks."

Sydney threw the phone away and pressed her hands over her mouth to keep the sobbing at bay, but it didn't work. There was not enough air in the room. She jumped up, blinded by tears, and ran over to the Ladies. There she broke down in a cabin, crying hysterically. Game over.

When she left the restroom half an hour later, she found Andrew Wood leaning against the wall. Hannah's brother worked as a surgeon, but he was also responsible for any autopsies that had to be done for court. That way, him and Sydney had spent some evenings together – first staring at corpses for ages, then he used to drive her home. Somehow dead people were not really improving her appetite.

"Hannah said you'd need some cheering up."

"Oh god!" Sydney closed her eyes in shame. "And she made you doing it?"

"Actually I asked her to let me." Andrew smiled. "Hey, no corpses today. You owe me some dinner!"

"I can't." Sydney shook her head. "I know I look like a mess, but I have to work in… oh no, in minus two minutes! Damn it!" She stormed off, again followed by a good-looking guy. That was kind of ironic.

"You sure you can work right now?"  
"I have to." She did press the right button this time, and the doors started to close. Andrew stood outside, looking at her closely. Sydney took a deep breath. "What about after court?"

"Wow… now that's what I call – an idiot!" Renzulli glared at the rookie in front of him. "I thought you with your Harvard degree were more mature than that? Just telling her it was all your fault but that she never can come back? Don't they tell you something about behaving at all?"

Jamie shook his head in confusion. "What do you mean? I thought it would be the best to make a clear end to it."  
"Yes, Harvard, for you!" Renzulli pointed at him as he finally put off his uniform and closed it in. "You were so eager to get your version of what is right out that she never even had a choice to say something. That's not making a clear cut, that's cutting off! Did you ever think about how she feels, hum?" He stretched. "Let me tell you as a married man: We can never, and I mean never totally understand women. They don't even understand themselves. But we can and we must treat them with respect. And the best thing to do this is by listening to them, got it?" He waited for the shocked rookie to nod. "Street wisdom strikes again. That's everday's knowledge, Harvard. Mark my words. See you tomorrow."

And with that he left, leaving Jamie in the checkroom alone, overwhelmed with emotions.

_Next chapter will be the last, dealing with Jamie's emotions (and probably the rest of the family's, too)._


	5. Chapter 5

_I don't know what I expected from this chapter, but certainly not that. I can't say I'm really happy about it, since it's dealing with anything except Sydney, to be true… I slipped into the whole family-topic again. They're just so amazing together, all of them! Maybe I'll get it right once and write something about Jamie's feelings… yeah, I guess I will. Some day._

_I hope you like it, nevertheless, at least a bit._

„Jamie, could you help me in the kitchen?" Frank didn't wait for an answer as he carried out the plates. Everyone at the dinner table looked at the rookie. "What did you do wrong?", Danny asked, not really worried. Jamie shrugged. "Don't know." Without meeting his brother's - or anyone else's - eyes, he stood up and followed his father.

As soon as he was in the kitchen, Linda left her seat to take over Jamie's, right next to Erin. "Do you think she called him?" Erin shook her head. "I don't know", she sighed. "He's been quiet for the whole meal. What else should have happened?", Henry bellowed. "Shh", the other ones hissed, and the children laughed. "Shh", Henry hissed at them, and Nicky laughed even more.

"Who called uncle Jamie?", Sean asked innocently, and now Nicky just broke down with laughter. Danny frowned. "You told her, Erin?" "No, I didn't." Erin threw her brother an angry look. "But when you don't want something to spread out you better don't talk about it on Sunday at dinner!"

"You all know who called uncle Jamie? Tell us!" "Yeah, tell us!", Jack fell in.

Henry cleared his throat. "Why don't you boys get up and check if our play station is still working?" Jack stared at his great-grandpa. "But it's Sunday! You never let us play on Sunday!" Nicky looked at her mother. "Can I stay?"

Erin ignored the sharp glance Danny shot her, but her voice was firm. "No, you can't, Nicky." "You can try to beat your cousins"; Danny suggested. Nicky fumed. "I'm not a baby anymore, uncle Danny!"

"Nicky!" Erin was fuming, too. She hated fighting with Nicky, and she hated Danny fighting with Nicky even more. But what she hated the most was having to be on Danny's side when he was fighting with Nicky. "Please." She looked her teenage daughter directly into the eyes, hoping to find understanding in them. "This is not about you. It's about my little brother." Nicky rolled her eyes. "Fine." The "little brother"-card was unbeatable.

Erin closed her eyes as Nicky left the room, and Linda soothingly put her arm around her shoulders. "They grow up so fast." "Yeah"; Erin sighed. She looked at Danny. "Since you just messed up my day I think you should get me some alcohol." Henry laughed. "That's my granddaughter. Bring on the bourbon, Danny, we've got some serious talk to do." He chuckled at his own words, and as Danny now rolled his eyes Erin recognized the similarity between him and Nicky. Family. There was nothing she wouldn't do to protect her family, she realized once more. And as Linda sat down at her side, with fire in her eyes, Erin knew that she was thinking the same. She was a Reagan. Sydney would never have been one.

"What's up, Dad?" Jamie stood at the door, leaving as much space between him and his father as possible. Frank noticed it sadly. "I hoped you would tell me." Jamie shrugged. "You were very quiet these days. I was wondering…" "Wondering as the Police Commissioner or my father?", Jamie interrupted – and immediately regretted his words. He swallowed. "I'm sorry."

Frank nodded heavily. "I understand." He took a step towards his son. "Jamie, I know your job out there is not easy at the moment. I read the records about the frozen people found this winter, and I know that you were working on many of…" "It's not the job, dad." Again Jamie interrupted. His eyes were glued to the floor. "I mean, it's hard… to see all of them and knowing that I could have ended like them so easily if it wasn't… if it wasn't for you and…"

"Jamie!" Frank broke the distance and grabbed his son's shoulders, forcing him to look up. "I don't know what is eating you up, and I can't force you to tell me about it. I wish you would, though, since you are suffering, and I hate seeing my children suffer. But in any case you need to know that there is no way you will ever freeze to death." He shook his head. "What on earth makes you think we would ever let you down?"

Jamie shrugged and bit his lips. Then he sighed. "It's just… I got a call a few days ago, it was…" He nodded, as if to encourage himself, "it was Sydney, dad. She's fine in London, but… she was speaking about us and mistakes that we made and she wanted to come back. And I told her that it wouldn't work out, that we were both… just where we're supposed to be. And I'm sure of that, I just… since I talked to Syd I can't stop thinking that… the choices that I made… all of you wanted me to stay out of the NYPD, and still I joined. And you never stopped helping me, though…"

"I've already told you my opinion about your becoming a police officer, Jamie"; Frank interrupted firmly, "you know that I am proud of you, you know that Danny is proud of you even if he doesn't show it, and you should know your mother well enough. She always wanted you kids to be happy. You know that!" Jamie nodded quickly. He had dreaded this conversation – for months, actually. Ever since Sydney had left him to live her own life he was wondering how much his decision disturbed and changed his family's life. He felt more at home in the NYPD with each day passing, and he had by now understood that Danny's getting angry at him was mostly born out of sorrow. Still – Sydney had wanted to marry him. He had wanted to marry her, he had wanted to spend his life with her, and when she said she'd go –

"I never really fought for Sydney", he confessed, eyes still cast down. "When she said she would go I… I didn't feel anything. No pain, no love, I wasn't even angry. I was…"

"You were relieved", Frank completed the sentence, and his face softened as he saw tears of shame in his son's eyes. "Jamie…"

"I was so filled up with the past – Joe's death, the Blue Templars, mom and how she wanted me to be someone else…that I couldn't find the power or the will to look into the future." Jamie shook his head. The tears made him look younger than he was, and Frank felt the urge to protect him from the world – a feeling that had started when he had held him for the first time, and would never fade. Right after Joe's death he had struggled every day not to cancel Jamie's place at the academy. He had tried to intervene Danny's course – major crimes wasn't exactly the safest unit. Fortunately, neither Danny's sergeant nor Renzulli had backed away. Both had risked their career to save his son's future, and he was more than grateful for that. But sometimes the overwhelming fear of losing another child came back, and it were these moments that kept him awake at night. Or raised him from sleep in his nightmares.

"Does it ever go away?" Jamie's voice brought him back to reality. "What do you mean?" "I mean the feeling of…" Jamie bit his lips. He wasn't sure how to say it – and he wasn't sure if that really was a question to ask of a Police Commissioner. Maybe he should have asked Linda – she knew how police officers behaved, after all, she was living with Danny.

"The feeling of not feeling anything anymore as long as it isn't concerning work?" Frank gently asked. Jamie nodded, and Frank sighed. "I think you best ask Linda about that." Jamie smiled. "Yeah."

"But you know, son", the Commissioner said as he guided him towards the living room, "every cop has to fight a battle of his own. You told Nicky once that it was not only a job but your whole life. That was right. I can't tell you when it starts to get easier. But I'm sure that you will find your own way to deal with everything. I never told you but Joe was sure one day you'd turn around and become a cop."

"He was?" Jamie felt so relieved that the tears started to fall anew. That had been one of his worst fears ever since he had started to work with his brother's sergeant. "Really?"

"Really. And it drove your mom crazy… till she got diagnosed." Now it was Frank whose eyes were oddly gleaming. "That was when she told me to make sure you're happy. So, son" he said louder now, to officially put an ending to the matter. "I can tell you from all of us that your breaking up with Sydney" – at the name the others at the table stared at him, completely aghast – "or her breaking up with you", Frank admitted, "was a sad, but a good thing. For both of you."

"Copy that", Danny declared, raising his glass. "Did she call you finally?"

"Danny!" Erin, Linda, Henry and Frank shouted. The kids came in at the sound. "What's up, dad?" "Yeah, what's up, uncle Danny?" Nicky was still sulking – she had lost, obviously.

"Well" Danny frowned. Erin smiled at the confusion and embarrassment in her brother's face.

It was Jamie who helped him out. "It's about Sydney", he told the younger ones. "She called me to say that she is fine and she loves work in London." He turned to the adults now, who tried to look surprised and innocent.

"I know she called you, too", he said, "I just couldn't talk about it because I was afraid of… reopening wounds. I mean you all welcomed her and I kind of threw her away and… I know you miss her. Some of you, at least"; he added as Henry snorted.

"I just want you to know that I never wanted to hurt her, and I never wanted to hurt you. I'm… I'm thankful to have you around here, and I…" He swallowed. Erin stood up and hugged her baby brother. "I just want to make you proud", Jamie whispered, and the whole family smiled. Fear of failure was a typical Reagan quality, but with Joe and Jamie it had reached its highest development. Linda looked at her husband expectively. Danny frowned, but he knew he would lose against her. He sighed. "You do, kid."

Erin let go of Jamie as he stared at Danny in surprise and amazement.

"You do…"

Yeah, now stop being pathetic, okay?" Henry and Frank chuckled as Danny demonstratively avoided Jamie's eyes.

"And don't you waste another thought on your ex, kid, the girl was a pest!"


	6. Chapter 6

_I'm sorry for bugging you, but… right after I posted this chapter I felt like Jamie's feelings had gone missing, and that I should write something about that in an own story. Then I read a review that was saying kind of the same – that the last chapter went in an entirely different direction than the ending of the fourth chapter had been headed to. So I decided to write another chapter, hopefully the last now. Thanks to you who liked the fifth chapter, though, and I hope you'll accept this one as well. It's going to be darker at the beginning, but it hopefully lights up in the end. And thanks for the hint, Danny's gonna have the last word again!_

She didn't pick up. Why was he surprised? He had cut her off last time, as Renzulli had put it. Jamie put his cell onto the table and continued his march through the loft. He wasn't sure whether it was disappointment or relief that made his stomach spin. Probably both.

His family had taken the whole thing better than he had expected, obviously. He always had known that Danny hadn't liked Sydney too much, but Erin had seemed to do so. It was strange to hear how little the woman he had wanted to spend his life with had meant to his family.

As Jamie walked past the table for the thirty-seventh time, he wondered what else he had misunderstood since he had become a cop. The world had surely changed. Failing his family, though, had remained one of the things he dreaded most, and now that he knew he hadn't failed them with Sydney – why did it still eat him up? Why was he mad of Danny right now?

Thirty-eight. He had to try it again.  
Not because of his family. Because of what Renzulli had said – because of Sydney. Because of him. Because of them.

This time, she picked up. "What is it, Jamie?"  
He couldn't speak. Hearing her voice so sudden and reserved made him freeze. He had indeed cut her off then.  
"Jamie?"  
"Hey." Was this like she had felt when he had called her? Jamie sat down on the couch as anxiety and guilt turned his legs to jelly. "I'm sorry to bother you again, but…" Words were failing. How could he possibly tell Sydney how commanding and harsh he had been last time and tell her to speak now without commanding her again?

"Jamie? I've got work to do." Sydney's voice was softer, though, and Jamie pulled himself together. "I just wanted to say sorry I didn't let you speak the last time. I realized", he sighed, he hated lying to her, "okay, my sergeant made me realize that I didn't give you any opportunity to tell me your version of us and…"  
"Your sergeant? Jamie, you're an adult!" The frustration that filled Syd's voice now was all but familiar.  
"I know that I am, but I didn't understand it at first so…"  
"Then you shouldn't have called me again. I'm fed up with talking to you via the NYPD."  
"What do you mean?"  
"I mean that's probably the problem we had. You never did anything for yourself! Your whole life long you've been trying to please your family, and the world. You went to Harvard because of your mom. You went to the academy because of your brother Joe… you asked me to marry you because of your father…"  
"Syd, that's not true…"  
"It is! And I accepted it. I accepted it because I love your family, Jamie, really, I do. But they're not perfect. They do their best but they can't tell you how to live best. I thought you had understood that when we lived together in Harvard, but you didn't. And then when I…" Her voice broke, and Jamie heard her sobbing. He felt sick.  
"Sydney, I'm so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you, I'm so…"  
"I know, Jamie. You never want to hurt anyone. That's the problem." The lawyer girl's voice was sad, but firm again. "When I left you, I did it for myself. Because I knew that I couldn't go on living like that. And you didn't fight for me, you didn't even say a word, and I hoped that you would understand it now. I thought you would let me go because of yourself, because you too had realized our love was gone. But I should have known better." She got bitter now, and Jamie felt tears welling up in his eyes as she continued, "I called your grandpa, and I called Erin, too. I guess you know that by now. I wanted to know how you were, Jamie. I wanted to know if you were living your own life now. And what did I get to hear? Besides that I'm an enemy to your family, of course. I heard you're a dutiful family member, a good cop, you're still the good little boy everyone wants to see in you. You've learnt nothing! And when you called me I had no idea what the hell you would want from me. I had this picture of you in my head, ordering me to leave your family alone. It wasn't too bad a picture, and that helped me, even though it hurt. Because it hurt, Jamie, it hurt to finally realize that I was never even half as important to you as your family is! It hurt to realize that I was just a girl you needed to fulfill your parent's expectations."  
"Sydney, that's not true! I love you!"  
"Do you? Did you ever? Just because of myself? Just for yourself? Right after you told me you would join the academy I was sure we'd get over it. I thought we would be like Danny and Linda. She knows she's second fiddle to the job sometimes, but she also knows there is nothing Danny wouldn't do for her. No matter the rules, no matter what you all say. He is a cop with heart and soul, but he would throw it away for her. In a second. I thought you and me, we could be like that. And that would have been all I've ever asked for."

For a few minutes, silence filled the line.  
Jamie could hardly breathe. A part of him wanted to run away, away from Syd and her words, her voice, her picture in his mind. The other part wanted to hold her and tell her how sorry he was. And how amazing she was. She knew him so much better than he had given her credit for. And if what she just had said was true…he didn't know if he could bear it.

"This is my version, Jamie. Go tell your sergeant about it. And then wake up and stop doing everything for others. This is your life." A voice from the distance called her name, and she sighed. "I've gotta go. I wish I could say that I'm glad you called, but I can't. Don't call me again." She hung up.

Jamie's finger felt numb as he put the phone back onto the table. He didn't know what to feel. In parts Sydney was right. In parts – well, the first thing that had ever annoyed him about her was her selfishness. Born the youngest of four children he had a different background in social life – Sydney had grown up alone with her parents.

As he sat on the couch, on exactly the same spot where he had sat when Sydney had said she'd leave, Jamie realized that he missed her. He had missed her all the time, actually, he just hadn't known it. Being a cop filled his life, but there was empty space in his heart.

Slowly Jamie got up and looked out of the window. New York stretched out beneath him, shining bright and colorful in the dark of night. It was a wonderful city. For a moment he just stood there, watched life down on the streets and felt lonely.

His phone rang. Jamie picked up without reading his display. "Reagan?"  
"Hey, kid, what's going on?"  
He closed his eyes. "Hey, Danny. I'm… good. Why are you asking?"  
"Just cause. You were pretty upset this afternoon. Linda said I should take a look at you."  
"Did she?" So not even Danny did the things he did just because of himself. Maybe it was a Reagan disease.  
"Well, I'm okay. Tell her thanks from me, right?"  
"Kid, Linda's not the only one worried about you." He could almost see Danny's eyes roll as he spoke. "After you we left Jack and Sean started talking about Sydney and how funny she was and…"  
"I'm okay, Danny. Really. Just leave it."  
"I'm not talking about you, Jamie! I'm talking about my kids. They seem to miss that girl, I don't know why they do, but they do. So I thought maybe you could come over to us? So they have their favorite uncle I wouldn't have been if it wasn't for Joe", Jamie murmured sadly.  
"What was that?" Danny's voice got hard as steel, but Jamie was in no mood to calm him.  
"I said I wouldn't be their favorite uncle if Joe was still alive."  
Oh you say so? You know something, little brother, go screw yourself! You wanna tell me you've been envying Joe but it's okay now he's dead? Screw you. And screw Sydney, and sorry I tried to kick some life in that pathetic ass of yours. Call me when you've get out of your sweet self-pitying dreams and are ready to be an adult again." He hung up and Jamie remained where he stood, motionless, thoughtless and lonelier than ever.

Five minutes later the phone rang again, but Jamie couldn't bring himself to answer. Danny had to speak to the mailbox: "Jamie? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that. You shouldn't have either, just saying. But anyway… the invitation was serious. Linda's cooking for you, too. And there's a game at night, so…kid, I hate speaking to a mailbox, why are you doing this to me? Get yourself here. Now."

Jamie bit his lips. His stomach was still spinning around and his heart beat so heavy that it hurt. Slowly he dialed Danny's number.  
"Don't talk about Sydney anymore. Promise me."  
"What? I didn't talk…"  
"Promise me, Danny. No matter what happened to us, I loved her. And a part of me will always love her. She changed me… and I guess it was for the better somehow. If they boys remember her in a good way then let them. She deserves it."  
"Uhm…okay. I guess I don't have to understand that."  
"You don't. Just promise me."  
A pause. Then: "I promise you kid. No more talking about Sydney. You seem to have grown up. So could you stop somewhere on the way? We're in dire need of beer!"

_Okay so the end… I better spare you that. You'll know what you think about it, and if you wanna tell me, I'd be very grateful. Though I'm afraid I won't change it again. This may not be good, but it's the best I can do right now, I guess._


End file.
